I have been married to my husband for 32 years. So many things have happened that I cannot even remember them all. Before I realized “Why we are born and why we live”, I have made so much trouble for my husband.
A husband and wife themselves do not know everything about each other. Their marriage can never be judged by other people. At first glance, you might think this couple is a happily married couple but is it really so? It is not too hard to pretend to be a happy marriage. Or some people work so hard by thinking “This is a husband and wife, so I need to follow what happy marriage is.” There are people who worry about their marriage because it is not their ideal marriage. Some people marry because their partner is rich. There is so much more so I am going to write a little bit about my marriage.
The most important reason why I decided to marry my husband was I felt “My beliefs and his are the same”. We talked a lot at our first date and what I remember most was that we have the same beliefs deep within. I cannot remember or say what it is but I felt “something deep” in him that no one else had.
And now I can say this “deep belief” was real. It is not true because you are married, you can let everything of yourself out to your spouse. However, it is not true either to hesitate to share yourself. So how can we become “True husband and wife”?
This cannot happen if you do not change yourself or truly accept your spouse. It is also important to communicate with each other. My husband is an American, so he is different from Japanese. I was not used to saying things directly to my husband. So instead of communicating, I used to keep them in me. One day I told my husband what I have been keeping in me. He said “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” And he told me if there is a problem I should say so in words. As I am Japanese, I had this thought that we can know each other without words. Anyway, I decided to talk to my husband before my problems get bigger. And thereafter by talking to my husband, I felt much lighter. What were all these problems before? My husband can know clearly what my issue is. Most time, communication can fix the problem and before it gets bigger, then we can solve problems.
I see a big difference between a Japanese married couple vs. American married couple. Japanese wives take a big role of acting like their mothers. On the other hand, American couples don’t have this. As I have been living in America for a long time, I feel discomfort when I see a wife taking a role of a husband’s mother. Is it necessary to do this much? However, I am not saying this is bad. In America, wives have too little maternal instinct toward their husbands. Again I am not saying this is bad either.
When I was just married to my husband, I thought making breakfast was an important role of a wife. However, my husband said he does not need it because he always grabs an orange juice and a bagel on the way to work. To tell you the truth, I was pretty shocked as I was ready to start a role of a wife. But as I don’t stick to one matter, I said ok and that was it. But if I wanted to mother him, I would have woken up early to make fresh vegetable juice and prepare breakfast that was healthy for my husband.
Husbands and wives have various important learning to do regarding each other. Some couples get divorced. In this case, I think the divorce was a learning for them to experience. There are people who don’t get married. In America gay couple’s marriage exist.
I feel that he is the one for me and I appreciate him for being my husband. No matter what problems we have we respect each other’s opinion. Therefore, if something happens our actions are the same as we are so connected to each other, deeply within.
After I realized why we born and why we live. I have been concentrating on how I can change. Before that I wanted him to change in so many ways. But this is such an “ego” of me putting myself aside and wanting my husband to change. I made so much worries to my husband! I still have so much more to change. But my husband is such a broad-minded person that he accepts fully of what I believe and do. Sometimes it is “No thank you” for him but he does not make me turn away from my direction. If I am doing something strange and bad, he would have said. Instead I think he fully accepts my way of living. We don’t have “We must do this”.
Among people who are reading this blog, they might say “You could do it because your husband is a good man, but in my case it is different.” That is not true. Don’t speak badly of your husband. You are the bad one. If you have changed, your husband changed too. What was the reason you married?
This is a story of my ex-friend. She had expectations of what she wanted in her “to-be” husband. It was his income from work. She wanted to marry someone who was working for a decent company and making a certain amount of money. She married someone exactly that she wanted, she has a child too now. Once before I asked her “How is your marriage, going well?”. She answered “Aa, as long as he brings money, nothing else matters!” I was shocked to hear that but it was ok with her. Her good point? Or let’s say she is very thorough that no matter what problems she has with her husband, she was just happy that he brings money. If someone married for the same reason she may have more desires such as “I don’t like his ….and I want him to fix it. Her desire of more to her husband on top of her original condition.
A husband and wife spend more than half of their life together. They can learn about each other more than anyone else. Therefore, try not to look and see the bad in each other but find the good about your spouse. And don’t be lazy, but let your spouse be lazy. Don’t mother him, be a man and woman. If you mother your husband a lot, your husband loses a chance to learn. For husbands who are mothered by your wife, do it yourself. Remember the reason why you got married. Your concerns might have come from your “Reason and condition” of your marriage. If you can no longer be together, divorce may be a choice. Depending on the reasons, divorce is not a bad thing. But if you don’t have a choice to divorce, you have to do the best you can with your husband. Are you becoming greedier in your expectations from your spouse? Before you were married you were strangers. You cannot expect from your spouse to have what you have. Isn’t it greedy to expect your spouse to change but not you?